Day 17: Operation “Diamond Check Off” stuns world

{The following post is based on a briefing paper distributed to reporters at an undisclosed location in Lewes, Delaware}

At 10:37 hours Eastern Daylight Time on 5 May, 2011 a mini-van with Texas plates crossed over the Delaware Memorial Bridge approximately 13 kilometers south, south east of Wilmington, Delaware; entering undetected into the sovereign state of New Jersey.

Using the latest in mini-van stealth technology the vehicle - codenamed "Homer" and carrying two veteran baseball park operatives - proceeded undetected along the New Jersey Turnpike for 198 kilometers before crossing into a corner of the target compound at a place the local inhabitants call "Staten Island".

An intense firefight immediately ensued with the locals as Homer negotiated a minefield of potholes and construction barriers that had been set out on the roads and bridges leading to the target, which is code-named "Citi Field".

At 13:31 hours EDT the final security layer was breached and the two veteran baseball park visitors took their seats inside Citi Field. For nearly three hours an eerie calm prevailed despite a bloody battle of walks, errors and poor base running in the large, green yard-like area inside the facility. Despite the infiltration of thousands of spectators from San Francisco who openly flaunted the locals by wearing garb emblazoned with phrases like “San Francisco Giants: 2010 World Champions” the New York Mets prevailed 5-2 on a sunny, cool, windy day.

With the mission successfully completed, but still in extreme danger in a foreign state far from Delaware, the two operatives regained their transport vehicle and raced backed through the minefield of potholes. During this intense two-hour battle they were subjected to relentless attack from other vehicles. Several times drivers in other vehicles blared warning horns and waved their arms in an odd, counterintuitive, single-digit salute to Delaware’s preeminence. Eventually the two operatives regained the New Jersey Turnpike where they again traversed the state undetected before crossing the Delaware River at the same point south-southeast of Wilmington at 18:15 hours EDT.

“The success of this mission proves that; with the proper equipment, detailed advance planning and rigorous training, virtually anything is possible,” Homer pilot Dave Pasley said in a prepared statement released after the mission was accomplished. He declined numerous requests for interviews.

Navigator Betsy Pasley was less circumspect, giddily telling a reporter; “I don’t think anyone even knew we were in New Jersey.”

Indeed, at the exact same time the mission was unfolding U.S. President Barack H. Obama was meeting with law enforcement officials in another part of the same compound the Pasley had invaded (which is known locally as New York City). The president gave no indication that he even knew the Pasleys were in town.

Although no one was injured on the treacherous mission, and there was no apparent damage to the transport vehicle, it was still a costly excursion for taxpayers because the operatives were forced to pay $55.90 in bribes (known locally as tolls) to cross New Jersey and the bridges leading into the compound; and to park the transport vehicle during the final assault on Citi Field, which is Dave’s 40^th major league ballpark and Betsy’s 38^th.

Following are some of the photographic images of the mission which have been de-classified and authorized for distribution. There has been some controversy that not all of the photos are being released. In particular skeptics in some quarters have been clamoring, without success, for photographic evidence of the reaction of a NJTP toll collector when Dave reportedly told him to; "Keep the (5 cents) change and give Gov. Christie a big hug for me." 

                                             Laden with equipment Betsy approaches the final target.

Even though the advance intelligence gathering was excellent, we were still stunned to find ourselves seated directly behind Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum, who had shut out the Mets the night before.

While the overall mission was a success both operatives conceded that they were disappointed they were not able to get a closer look and a better photograph of the cult figure known as "Mr. Met".

"One of my goals in life has been to actually meet Mr. Met and to squeeze that big, round head with my own hands," Dave Pasley said in his prepared statement. "I don't think there is any question that Mr. Met is one of the coolest mascots of any team, anywhere in the world. Because we were not able to get close to him, or even really get a very good photo of him, I still have an emptiness inside even though the overall mission was a success."